What are you doing on this special day?
Meeting with old friends, like Tami?
This week’s episode of Basketball Wives starts very much where last week’s began, at least from a drama perspective. Everyone’s gathered around a spot by a hotel pool, while Stampgate ‘11 looms over the crowd. Before that subject is actually broached, though, Royce’s man Dwayne mentions that he’s throwing an event he’d like Evelyn and Jenn to participate in.
Evelyn interviews that it’s “some fashion show or something for some event he’s putting together.” So right off the bat, you can tell she’s really into it. Something else you can tell: that Evelyn is rolling her eyes when Dwayne asks if they’ll walk in that fashion show.
You don’t even need to see her eyes to know that she’s rolling them. That is some masterful shade-throwing.
Evelyn says “all the girls feel like Dwayne is riding Royce’s coattail.” I guess Royce’s burlesque chic requires minimal clothing, thus the single coattail. Anyway, Tami walks in wearing a sundress bred with a Rastafarian flag.
She sits down and reiterates her apology to Ashley. Tami also apologizes to Evelyn and Shaunie, adding, “but I do know the person I had the altercation with someone who is your really good friend.” Royce points out that Jenn is there, among them as she speaks. Tami says, “Oh, OK.” Thus begins the first of this week’s points of tension.
Tami vs. Jenn
Royce says, “Let’s not pretend.” Tami quips, “Oh, I wasn’t pretending, I was ignoring.” As fun as maintaining that sounds, Tami cuts the crap and interviews that Jenn is “pompous and bourgie and fake.” Oh really? I never knew she felt that way. Perhaps she should SCREAM LOUDER at the next charity event they attend to really get her point across. She also mentions to Jenn that she heard her call her a bitch again, which takes it to “a whole nother level.” That’s her arbitrary weirdness to contend with. For all Tami knows, her shoelessness could have taken it to a whole nother level for Jenn. You know the Basketball Wives don’t play with their footwear…or without. Evelyn jumps in to say that she didn’t hear Jenn call Tami a bitch.
Also, hi, Evelyn’s boobs! Good seeing you again!
Jenn’s got a lot on her plate and arguing about food stamps isn’t on her agenda. Wouldn’t it be funny if it were, though? It’d fit right between “Discussing Divorce Without Actually Using the D-Word” and “Hi-fiving Evelyn for Stirring Whatever S*** We Can This Week.” Tami says that’s not what the argument was about. Really, though? It’s not what the argument wasn’t about, either. And no, it wasn’t not funny. (Which is to say, it was hilarious!)
Tami interviews, “If Jennifer and I were on a cruise ship and there were life vests and the boat was going down, I would steal hers so the bitch would drown.” I think it’s the murderous intent that takes things to a whole nother level in this case. Although the “bitch” doesn’t hurt either to keep with Tami’s rules, I suppose. Jenn says she’ll Google food stamps so she knows what they look like. For some reason, I don’t think she’s getting where Tami’s coming from, but that’s OK, because nobody does at this point. That concludes the conversation, weirdly, but appropriately enough.
Over a round of makeup shopping Jenn and Shaunie discuss the public melee.
Shaunie says that she knows Tami’s not the person she projected at Ashley’s event, and it was an awful moment to judge who she is. “That was so ghetto, I was just like, I’m not used to this,” is Jenn’s reply. Hmmm. She sounds like a person who hasn’t seen a food stamp. She should work on that. Shaunie implores Jenn to give Tami a second chance.
And speaking of second chances, Tami’s giving televised extreme weight-loss another one by getting a SmartLipo consultation. This is immediately reminiscent of when she got her jaw wired shut on The Real World 17 years ago.
Tami versus her fat cells (Round 1)
“I try to work out and I try to eat right, and it’s just not producing any results quick enough for me,” explains Tami. Her doctor explains that SmartLipo is different than lipo (RegularLipo?) because it does not involve ripping out the fat. Heat melts it and then it’s sucked out, and in the process, the skin tightens around what remains. He compares it to swimming in collagen and having a barbecue. Sounds delicious.
He points out Tami’s problem areas and counts her rolls of fat, which she takes joking/not joking exception to.
Let her show you how cheap counting is in this motherf***er! She will! Better start holding her back now! Get a head start, much as she is in the battle of the bulge.
Tami calls this a “major turning point for her.” This is her back-to-me time. Everyone’s always having that on reality TV. I wonder why. It isn’t like narcissism fits the genre like an expensive pair of stilettos or anything. Hmm. I’m stumped.
Meanwhile, Royce rehearses for Dwayne’s upcoming show. She’s running behind. Dwayne comes in and starts directing.
This could turn into a point of tension, but it does not. Royce silences him via this…
…and this…
Very economical!
Meanwhile, Eric sits down with Jenn and Dr. Nixon.
You know what it is:
Eric versus Jenn
Eric refers to this as a “post-divorce talk” and Dr. Nixon seems surprised that there’s been talk. “No! What are you talking about?” says Jenn. Oy, denial flows heavily in these parts. Eric is not surprised by Jenn’s wishes to part — their marriage was troubled after a day. And before that even, when Eric met up with some woman in San Antonio weeks before they wed. That’s sad. Jenn basically had a wall up from the start, and at this point when she’s fallen out of love with him and doesn’t trust him, it’s only gotten worse. Jenn cries. That’s sadder. Eric thinks if they’re going to do it, they need to do it. However, he is amenable to mending things. And so, limbo persists.
And then, Evelyn and Jenn attend the fitting for the upcoming some fashion show or something for some event Dwayne’s putting together. They enter to find Royce dressed like “a bat”…
…and loving it!
They are not amused.
Evelyn and Jenn versus tackiness (at least where fashion is concerned)
Evelyn and Jenn are shown multiple things they can wear during the show:
They make like outfits are people and hate every one.
And you know, to be fair and as I brought up last week with Shaunie: when you’re in the public eye, you only have yourself to answer for you. If you wear something that is not your style or flat out ugly, people blame you and you alone — not the stylist or designer or best boy or animal wrangler. That said, even though Evelyn says she doesn’t want the designers who are standing two feet away from her to feel uncomfortable…
…she cracks up at their creations all over the place.
She adjourns the “laughing session” for an emergency meeting with Royce.
Royce seems to get it. She says she didn’t see the stuff beforehand and there are other designers that she can vouch for. Evelyn thought she was being punk’d and was waiting for Ashton Kutcher to come out. He’s probably too busy tweeting, though. Kind of like a Basketball Wife, come to think of it! Evelyn says she’s open to seeing the work of other designers. Royce asks them to attend the event regardless, if for nothing else but to support her. “Absolutely,” is what Evelyn says. “No, we’ll definitely be there,” adds Jenn. Emphasis on the “no.”
Meanwhile, Royce calls Suzie, who also said she’d be in the fashion show and was to attend this fitting.
She gives Suzie’s voice mail a stern talking-to, warning of Suzie achieving two notches on the pissed-off list, or actually, the s*** list if she flakes. Like anybody, Royce compiles many different lists with her excrement. Meanwhile, Evelyn gamely tries on an outfit.
“It looks worse on the hanger. You make it look good,” says Jenn. Did Evelyn pay her to say that?
Then, an argument breaks out regarding Dwayne’s constant need to be right:
Royce versus Dwayne
Jenn and Evelyn catch them in the hall, and Jenn says she could feel the tension. That makes two of us! Jenn says that relationships are about compromise. Except, of course, when they aren’t…like in her case. Evelyn tells Dwayne that the fitting was a s*** show in there and he needs better designers. His soul gulps.
Meanwhile, it’s…
…LIPO DAY!!!
Tami versus her fat cells (Round 2)
“This has to be one of the craziest things I’ve ever done in my life! But at the same time, I’m welcoming it,” explains Tami. Where Kate Bush lets the weirdness in, Tami lets the crazy in. And this show gladly reciprocates! Anyway, we get to see the process in all of its Discovery Health-esque detail.
Here’s where my stomach turned:
That’s Tami’s removed fat. Tami’s doctor suggests it’s customary to get a picture with it.
She looks exactly as confused as she should, given the surgery and premise of the photo. I guess now, when she goes to look at her ass and it isn’t there, she has a way of remembering it. She should take that tube to Sears and get a few proper photos done, though, if you ask me. She’s prescribed a knee-to-shoulders girdle that she must wear for three weeks, which is nothing compared to how long she’d be wearing Spanx for without the SmartLipo. It’s a small price is what I’m saying.
Meanwhile, Eric’s moving out of his Florida house with Jenn and so for some reason she goes to his storage unit with him. The whole scene is very Monster.
Jenn versus Eric (redux)
Needs more lesbians making out to Journey, but it’s close enough.
Eric’s going to NJ to chill out. “I know one thing, I ain’t gonna be in the same vicinity as you guys,” he says. And if that wasn’t warm and cuddly enough, he rejects Jenn’s suggestion that they remain friends. He doesn’t like her crew; she doesn’t like his. To counter this, he says that he doesn’t have a crew nor does he chill with anyone she knows. Yeah, I think that’s her point exactly. He doesn’t think he’s being mean by cutting off the line of communication. Jenn wants to go with the flow, but going with the flow is not how Eric Williams became successful. And he’s really, really anxious to succeed in this divorce, apparently.
Meanwhile, Tami struggles to recuperate.
She can barely walk, she’s oozing and bleeding all over the room and she feels alone. Maybe if she’d stop oozing, she’d get some company. No one likes an oozer. Company does materialize in the form of Jenn, who’s got with her flowers and a card.
“I came to make peace,” says Jenn. And how does she do that?
By giving Tami some food stamps! Risky! You know how Tami is — she could go ballistic over this attempt to inject humor into a previous point of contention. She does, in fact, become hysterical…
…with laughter! Tami takes this for the truce it is. Just as long as she doesn’t try to use them toward her lipo, there should be no more foot-stamp issues, period. I’m getting a little misty about this. I, for one, enjoyed the food-stamp issues. I don’t have a problem with food stamps…at all!
Meanwhile, it’s the day of the fashion show. Suzie calls Royce.
Royce versus charity-event apathy
“I’m not coming,” is how Suzie starts the conversation. “Why, you got in a car accident?” replies Royce. Ha! Nothing like hoping for the best for your friends! No, Suzie won’t be there because she expects Evelyn to attend and she wants to avoid drama. Royce calls her a p**** and reminds her that it’s a charity event. Calling someone a “p****” is definitely in the spirit of giving. Is Royce secretly Santa Claus? “We friends? Isn’t that what you said? Naw, we not friends. But you cool. I’ll holler at you. I need to go do my charity event for a good cause. You can go throw some drinks,” is how Royce concludes the conversation. I get her frustration and I admire her using, “You can go throw some drinks,” as a kiss-off. Wonderfully played.
What happens next, however, is not wonderfully played at all on the other parties’ part. Evelyn and Jenn sit around someone’s kitchen. “I don’t want to go,” says Evelyn. “I don’t want to go either!” says Jenn. Aw! Backing-out twins! Breech-frenemies, even! Jenn says the fitting “blew me.” Aw man, if that’s the case, sign me up for a few fittings, then! Dwayne irks Evelyn and he seems like an opportunist to Jenn. How will they get out of this predicament? “Let’s just be real,” suggests Jenn. And though no show is made of it, Evelyn swiftly rejects that idea.
They call Royce and tell her they’re still in Miami and they don’t feel “comfortable” walking in the show.
Then Evelyn lies and says that someone tried to break into Dulce. Royce calls her out on lying and says that if it were true, that would have been the first thing they said.
Royce says even if it were true, that doesn’t excuse Jenn. “Well, because we were supposed to come together! I’m not going to drive all that way by myself!” is Jenn’s answer. That, of course, doesn’t excuse her, either. Royce asks why they didn’t tell her earlier. Then she says that she fought for them to be in the show, for there were a lot of designers that pulled out when they found out Evelyn and Jenn were in it. Why bother doing that, though, when they were eye-rolling from the start? Jenn says she’s sorry. Royce says sorry doesn’t cut it and hangs up. Evelyn says, “I guess we won’t be hearing from her for a while…let’s go to the mall.” Every now and then she falls apart…but right now is not one of those times.
Royce informs Dwayne of everyone’s flaking. He’s not OK with it, but whatever. Royce looks on the bright side and says this means they won’t have to babysit anyone. The show happens…
And yep! That dress is…still that dress!
In the end, though, Royce and Dwayne regard the night as a success.
And then, affection:
Quick! Change the scene before they start throwing pottery together and listening to “Unchained Melody!”
Royce coordinates a meeting with Evelyn and Jenn to get the “legit reasons” why they skipped out on her just hours before the show was set to start.
The approach the table and Royce is typing on her phone. “What’s up let me finish this,” she says. It’s literally said as a single sentence. Ha! She is feisty! When she is through, she tells them that they got them Giovanni gowns to rock the runway in that no one’s ever seen. Gowns that they’d probably want to buy. They went over and beyond for them and Evelyn and Jenn couldn’t even call. Well, yeah, that’s really crappy when it’s put that way. Royce says people thought they would start drama with “any and everybody” and had they gone, they could have changed people’s opinions. Eh, given everything else everyone’s done this season, I don’t think anyone’s too worried about anyone else thinking they’re out to start drama with any and everybody. They put work into acquiring that reputation! “Well, I didn’t feel like going,” says Evelyn. Blauw! Royce says she wouldn’t have done that to them and that’s why their nicknames are “Mean” and “Evil.” I’d wonder which was which, except Evelyn is obviously “Evil.” Evelyn tells Royce that Dwayne’s riding her coattails and Fantashique is on the back burner. Jenn says Royce — and not Dwayne — is their concern. You know, for two people who were just called “Mean” and “Evil,” they’re more compassionate than expected.
According to Royce, the bottom line is that they could have come to support her. Royce interviews that she feels like she might be the fool and everything everyone’s saying might be true. Or maybe not. That’s always the thing about everything everyone’s saying. Then it’s “Bitch boo bye,” two fingers…
…and “Make sure you watch my ass as I walk away, though.” This time, she doesn’t say, “You can go throw some drinks,” as a way of bidding adieu, because they probably would.
Instead, they use their glasses to clink them triumphantly. “Oh well, it is what it is,” says Evil. “Onto the next!” says Mean. Like it or not, these women win every episode. Nobody break it to them that this show isn’t in competition format. It’s more fun this way.
No comments:
Post a Comment