Evelyn looks like she’s getting ready to cut that pig — and not in the way that was intended.
Just a recap of where we were at when we last left Basketball Wives: everyone’s making faces at each other at a wine bar in Spain…
Shaunie takes issue with Royce’s attitude, Royce takes issue with Shaunie’s issue-taking and Tami wants to know what was said about her. Jen has nothing to say, so Royce says it for her: she says that prior to meeting Tami, Jen said that she was messy. I’m assuming she was not referring to Tami’s weave, as she hadn’t yet seen it. Harsh. Jen vehemently denies this, making angular head movements that are reminiscent of Lisa Kudrow, weirdly enough.
Suddenly, it strikes me: that’s been who Jen’s been reminding me of all along.
In response to the “messy” suggestion, Tami interviews, “Every bitch in this circle is messy.” After all, would they be asked on this show if they weren’t? The smack-talking puts Tami on a verbal rampage as she has everyone know:
“I don’t make calls. I will sting you right in your motherf***in’ grill, straight-up to the face, right in your motherf***in’ face. We can definitely get it crack-a-lackin’.” Not only does that sound potentially hazardous, it’s also hypnotically repetitive and a little confusing. What Tami provides is at least a three-pronged attack. Who’s gonna step to that?
The conversation ends with Evelyn saying she’s glad it took place. While it’s easy to confuse her words with that of a delighted spectator, she says it was “therapeutic.” Shaunie, too, feels better.
The women then dine at Botin, the oldest restaurant in Madrid. So far, they are underwhelmed by the cuisine they’ve been having. It is not the mold of old establishments that has been bothering them, but the deluge of ham that they’ve experienced since touching down. Jen says wine has been her best friend. Immediately after, a bottle cracks itself over her head (straight-up to the face, right in her motherf***in’ face) and says, “I’m not here to make friends!”
The girls are served and things go from bad…
…to non-kosher, when the women are presented the “gift” of a cooked whole piglet:
They hate this gift.
Jen describes it as a “full-blown pig.” At least it did something right — I hate those half-assed pigs you so often come across on the dinner table. So many times, I find myself screaming at a piece of scrapple, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” (Confession: note, I may be speaking about one of my cats, and not a piece of scrapple.) Royce laughs and oinks and Tami tells her to stop playing. This is a serious pig situation! Tami doesn’t like her food with heads and likes her pig chopped.
Evelyn attempts to get rid of the pig (really not sure where she expected to go with this one) and ends up placing it right back in the arms of the waiter.
She seems to consider this a triumph.
It isn’t. He brings it back to the table and proceeds to decapitate it.
I don’t even want to know what he has to do to negotiate the spine. I’m feeling bile in my throat as I type the words “cut through bone.” You know, I’m generally agog at this group of women’s reaction to everything they encounter, but in this case, I think they’re all completely justified. This is the stuff of nightmares.
From the balcony Tami calls, “That’s not right!”
She gags and does her best to refrain from throwing up on Shaunie. The women soon file out of the restaurant leaving the pig covered with a napkin. It’s probably more out of respect for their own delicate sensibilities than the fallen pig, but whatever: respect is respect.
They then find a spot near the Palacio Real de Madrid. Evelyn says, “What’s the other girl’s name? Kim and what?”
How telling that she doesn’t even know the name of her supposed co-star. Better luck next season, Juli! Shaunie brings up the dinner that Jen shared with Eric, Kim and Bryon that devolved into a shouting match between Jen and Eric. Jen chalks it up to “so many drinks,” and interviews that she can’t escape the Eric questions. Indeed, response is definitely a hazard of talking about things. The women talk about Jen’s situation in a supportive manner, with Tami saying the most poignant words: “If he’s disrespectful and acting crazy, you are too beautiful for that.”
Jen cries.
Evelyn cries.
And then they stand and cry.
“Let him out! Let him out!” Royce chants as Jen and Evelyn embrace. It’s as though Eric is a puppy whose dog door is jammed. Or maybe Jen has an epic secret regarding her identity? Either way, it’s a curious thing for Royce to repeat. After hugging, Evelyn says they need a shot. And really, she’s feeling the hell out of this:
For displaying compassion, she’s earned that shot.
The women then have dinner at a flamenco venue, and meet with one of the dancers beforehand:
His name is Rafael. He apparently owns a bedazzler and isn’t afraid to use it:
Besides being a master of the spasm that flamenco requires, Rafael is characterized by two things: he says “eggplant” like the Aflac duck would and he says a guttural, “Honey!” a lot to punctuate his sentences. He amuses the women so.
They are also impressed with his rhythmic rigor mortis when he takes the stage. He invites Royce up with him and everything.
Shaunie says Royce was getting some attention, and thus no longer feeling sick. It’s “happy hands” for Royce time.
If only Rafael were a ragtime dancer, and Royce could bust out full-on jazz hands!
The next day, Royce asks Shaunie if they can talk, so Shaunie evacuates her suite of everyone else and they discuss Royce’s conduct on the trip and Shaunie’s reaction to it. Royce says she doesn’t understand the accusations of complaining about anything other than her illness. She also says that, yes, she likes attention, but she doesn’t need it. Shaunie’s sticking to her opinion because that’s how she felt in the moment. Royce comes around to admitting that she was acting negative because she felt like crap. Similarly, Shaunie admits that her patience is very short and that her kids take up the small amount of patience that she has.
This much is left for the rest of the world. Is it any wonder that she got herself involved in the highly volatile environment of reality TV? She could only be more perfect for it if she had a manual switch on her back.
Anyway, she and Royce reconcile.
“I love you despite getting on my nerves the first 24 hours,” Shaunie tells Royce warmly. It sounds ridiculous, but you know, I think it’s actually heartfelt.
At their final dinner in Spain, we see the results of the conversion of Evelyn’s wedding dress…
It is now in full-on freakum mode, although…it still looks like a wedding dress? I mean, an unorthodox one, but if she wore that to walk down the aisle for Chad, would anyone bat an eyelash?
The girls reflect on their Spain drama at this last supper. Shaunie interviews, “Drama follows us everywhere.” Yes, indeed. Probably because of the leash everyone drags it on! However, she adds, “But the good part is we usually get over it.” So at least she has priorities! Tami thinks it’s all a result of their collective sisterly bond — when you’re comfortable with someone, you’re comfortable with calling them out. “Now she knows I’m a bitch, I know she’s a bitch…” says Tami of herself and Evelyn. I don’t know, anyone who watched The Real World: Los Angeles and the first season of this show knew what they were getting into with both of these ladies. No “now” necessary.
Shaunie thinks the trip was worth the “ups, downs, sideways and turnabouts,” says she thinks they’re leaving happier than they came. That’s kind of amazing: positivity makes a cameo on Basketball Wives! Cherish this moment — it is fleeting.
Case in point:
Back in the States, Evelyn and Jen sit on a deck for the express purpose of gossiping. Evelyn talks about Royce playing both sides, like when they find Royce telling them little things about Ashely or Tami about the Suzie thing. “She’s like the mole,” says Jen. “She’s exactly the mole,” says Evelyn. Something tells me that they’re getting ready to treat her like an actual mole and blast Royce out.
They turn the topic to Ashley, whom Jen thinks has multiple personalities. Evelyn illustrates that she has multiple speech patterns, and gets the vibe that nothing is going on with Ashley and her baby daddy, Rafer Alston. Jen says that “they say” Rafer lives in Jersey with a girl, and that chicks on the blogs say Rafer says that Ashley is the cleaning lady. Well, if chicks on blogs are saying it, you know it’s true! Take my word for it: I’m a blogger.
Evelyn says she doesn’t know who the jump-0ff in the situation is, but since Ashley has Rafer’s baby, she’s less “jump-off-ish.” Finally, children come in handy! Here I thought they were just 100 percent burdens.
We then see Royce meeting with Ashley for an early dinner. Suzie has also been invited despite her tension with Royce, because, as Ashley puts it, “we all have to get along.” Says who? I don’t know the answer to that (besides “Ashley, erroneously”), but I know who doesn’t say it: anyone who’s behind the scenes of this show.
Getting along flies out the window as soon as Royce opens her mouth. I mean, she’s very congenial with these women, but as for her absent co-stars, Royce certainly wouldn’t get away with the stuff she says in their presence without a screaming match. Royce tells Suzie that she told Tami that Royce had preconceived notions about Tami because of what Suzie had told her (literally, that’s the chain): that Royce was messy and that she wasn’t feeling Royce and was going to have drama with her. I feel like a dog chasing my tail except instead of something as interesting as a tail, all I have are words. Suzie doesn’t care because she’s not part of the circle and doesn’t want to be. Well, that was easy enough!
Then Royce hosts a dinner with Dwayne, her brother and her father.
Royce says her dad and bro always pick on her, and we see them ribbing her about her stove-top barbecue. Persecution complex much, ya think? We don’t see anyone complaining about it after eating it, so you know, there’s that. Royce then retreats so Dwayne can talk to her dad.
Dwayne says he’s planning on taking their relationship to the next level, and wants Robert’s approval. That he receives: Robert thinks Dwayne’s one of the best things that’s ever happened to Royce. Well, that was easy!
Royce, by the way, spies.
See, she can’t be a mole — mole’s can’t see and thus can’t be lookiloos.
Then we see Ashley and Rafer stopping by Dulce. Ashley seems to have everything to prove, as she interviews, “When I walked in, I was like, ‘Yeah, this is my man. And we’re shopping.’”
Well, she sure showed them! Unfortunately what she showed was kinda meh.
When Jen sees them come in, she gives a deadpan, “Oh wow,” serving much Kudrow about nothing. There is some talk of Jen’s history with Rafer, since Jen is friends with his ex Laura (whose number Ashley allegedly posted on Craigslist, which she denied). Ev asks Jen if she, Eric, Rafer and Laura hung out and Jen said that Rafer was too much of a basket case to do that.
The basketball player who’s a basket case — not a revelation, maybe, but still satisfying in its way. Rafer says he isn’t a basket case, he just doesn’t take s***. A likely story. Jen thinks he has anger-management problems. She also thinks that Ashley is another “basket case” and that it wouldn’t surprise her if they had some sort of crazy-ass relationship together. “Maybe they’ll get married and ride off into Crazyland together. Who knows?” Jen hypothesizes. At least Ashley will be well-heeled if they do so, as Rafer throws down for an insanely expensive pair of kicks:
So, not only did they give Evelyn something to laugh about by merely showing up, they also gave her cold, hard cash. Luck smiled upon Ev that day. When Rafer and Ashley leave, Ev says, “I don’t even know what to say.” Jen answers, “You took the words out of my mouth!” So then what Jen’s saying is she didn’t know what to say to the extent that she couldn’t even say, “I don’t even know what to say.” Fascinating.
We see Royce and Dwayne ring shopping.
…except only kind of because the ring that Royce wants to put her finger permanently in this position…
…is $95,000. Dwayne, as far as we can tell and and assume within the realm of logic, does not leave the store with a ring.
We see Jen visiting a divorce attorney.
That’s all there is, really, to the scene. It ends with Jen saying, “I definitely feel like there will be a divorce.” So if you don’t know, now you know.
Finally, we watch a confrontation between Tami and Suzie.
Tami confronts Suzie for telling Royce what Tami said about her. Suzie says that she was informed that Tami was going to attack Royce and that combined with Tami’s comments about Royce’s tendency to drop it like it’s hot had her concerned for her friend. Tami says that Suzie know that Tami herself planned to have that conversation with Royce. Does anyone doubt that it would take mere navel lint to turn Tami completely confrontational? Tami was getting to taking Royce to task! Suzie says Tami said she didn’t know about Royce. Tami retorts, “And I told you I didn’t know about you!” Touche!
“You felt a need to speak about me, somebody that you do not even know. And that’s who girls get they ass beat. Girls around my way get f***ed up for s*** like that,” says Tami. Suzie gets a fact wrong about when exactly someone told her that Tami was out for Royce. It’s a minor point, but nothing is too minor for the eviscerating tongue of Tami Roman. Suzie says she’s loyal to Royce in about a million different ways. “I’m completely clear as to how Evelyn feels about you,” says Tami. Suzie leaves and Tami calls after her, “Bitch, f*** you.”
I believe it is now, as they say, “crack-a-lackin’.”
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